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What am I doing wasting my life like this-----
I make excuses for not spending time on my art. I have been working on making mandalas and coloring them, and cleaning off my work table. But when it gets down to it I am just doing nothing , it's not that I don"t want to, just don't get into it right now. Lots of new ideas going on but productivity is zero. I could do so much but no desire. I wish i could get motivated. I like sitting in my sewing room/ studio and just sitting looking around. Then it depresses me that all I do is sit and look at the unfinished mess. It overwhelms me to see this fiasco. So I make a new excuse and leave it. and shut the door. I really hate this feeling. and then I get depressed because I can't handle the guilt. Oh well, maybe tomorrow, new excuse. I am such a screwed up mess. I really like beating myself up too. Later.
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Comments
I went to a pshyic fair last
I went to a pshyic fair last week. the reading was really good. i liked the lady who did the
reading. I feel like she helped me see what i need to do. I am having trouble with
many parts of my life. my family and my art and everything. I feel like there are some
things i need to change and some things i just need to accept and just say what the fuck.
I have a hard time letting things just go, I keep going back to the things that bug
me and just keep me pissed off all the time. I know this is not healthy and i know it
won't change a thing but I still go back to it. I wish i could let go and get over the anger
it is really making my life hell.
In the Beginning...
... there was the Excuse. God saw it was Good and said it was Good and it was Good. And so, Nothing happened. The end.
It'd make for a much shorter read, I guess.
Procrastination, inner turmoil, Life Happening... these are the curse of every artist.
On my Big Ass Table™ there is: a broken toaster, a broken computer tower, a computer motherboard for spare parts, a soldering iron, an art box, the toy I'm customizing (re-customizing as my impatience and lack of organization led me to use the wrong sort of paint which I must now strip and start over) and the required materials for that project. Currently on my desk: several hundred drawings needing scanned.
My Infinite To-Do List™ grows every day. If you see that more than twenty-four hours has elapsed since I last logged in to this site you know that I'm probably spending my time not focused on what I should be doing.
In short: I feel your pain.
Probably the best thing to do is something. To rephrase: Do something. Whatever it is you do, do it. Even if only for a few minutes a day, even if it's just organizing your work space, do something that furthers your creative process. It's hard, I know, because Life Happens. There are bills to pay and children to raise and housework screaming to get done, but some things can wait. My fear is that if I don't start doing something now, someday I'll forget how.
And so I've built this site. I have a short lifetime of creative expression around here. With this site, I have a place to share it. Yeah, I may never be rich or popular. I may never make friends and influence people. The Internet is a form of immortality, however. Every email, every image, every page leaves at least a trace of its existence in a database somewhere. As long as this site is here, I am here. Someday I, as all others, may be dust. In this place, though, at least my dreams may live forever.
Still wasting away
I cleaned my sewing room today and threw away 3 huge trash bags of junk. I haven't carried it out to the garbage can but i have made the decision to get rid of stuff that is in my way. things that stress me out, things i have been hanging onto for so long i really don't know why. I can get rid of the excess baggage. I feel a commitment to things i guess that makes me a hoarder. I let myself get too attached to stuff, not really good stuff just stuff. I have decided to let go of some of the junk and stop feeling guilty about things i can't do much about. I hate to feel so attached to this mess.